In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
