I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Randomize
