this beer tastes like vomit already
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
