Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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