haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
