He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
