the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
