Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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