Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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