i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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