im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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