my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
