Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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