nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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