She is in my trunk
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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