You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
