So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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