I can text with my tongue
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
