I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
