Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
