im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
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