Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
