yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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