What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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