So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think i got beer on your cat.
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