If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
