Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
