Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
