All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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