I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
