If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
