As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I need to calm my uterus...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
