My room smells like vodka and shame
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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