I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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