omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
accomplished twins. life is a go
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
