new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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