Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
