I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
