her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
