Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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