It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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