i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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