Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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