It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
