I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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