i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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