I just gift wrapped bread.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
