im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
