I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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