Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
