i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
