What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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