I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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