Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
