put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
