And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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