shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
