you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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