Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
