he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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