im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
