at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
