Welp...herpes.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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