We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
