She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
